The “Both/And” Philosophy

I hear so many people use the language of “either/or” when actually it is “both/and.” I will give you an example. Someone might say to me, “ My wife loves either loves me, or she is angry with me and can’t stand me.” This kind of thinking (and self talk) sets us up as to how we conceptualize a situation and has consequences for us. You can be both loved and the object of anger. We are more complex than duality. For example, we can experience many emotions all at once. Right now I have a friend dying. I am extremely sad, grieving, existential, and relieved that she is not going to linger. I am holding all of that. As therapists, we help others to see the possible, to understand the power of self talk on our mental health, and to build insight. This “both/and” is really, really important and needs to be taught when we hear it in the language of our clients.