Wendy. Periodically. Boundaries or Punishment?

In today’s world of increasing emphasis on personal boundaries, an emerging phenomenon has sparked conversation in our counseling offices: parents restricting or even cutting off their children’s relationships with grandparents, often citing boundary-setting as the reason. While boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships, this trend raises questions about where the line lies between protecting one’s family dynamics and potentially creating emotional rifts. We are working with both the transgressors and transgressed. What is our role?

The Shift in Family Roles

Grandparents have long held a cherished role in many cultures, often providing a unique blend of love, wisdom, and occasional spoiling. However, as modern parenting has evolved, so has the perception of how grandparents fit into the picture. Many parents now seek to maintain control over their child’s environment, behavior, and values, which sometimes clashes with grandparents’ approaches, particularly if those approaches feel outdated or intrusive.

When Boundaries Are Necessary

In some cases, establishing clear boundaries is not just justified but essential. For example, grandparents who overstep by undermining parental authority, engaging in toxic behaviors, or ignoring key safety rules can create genuine conflict. Healthy boundaries in such cases help ensure that children grow up in a secure and consistent environment.

When Boundaries Become Barriers or Punishment

However, problems arise when boundaries shift into barriers. For example, cutting off grandparents due to disagreements or perceived slights rather than serious issues. In some cases, minor differences in parenting philosophy or personal conflicts between adults become the justification for limiting or severing ties. This can inadvertently deprive children of the unique, enriching bond that grandparents often bring to their lives.

Navigating the Middle Ground

The key lies in open communication and mutual respect. Parents and grandparents should engage in honest, empathetic conversations to address concerns and find compromise where possible. For parents, it’s important to distinguish between behaviors that genuinely threaten their values or their children’s well-being versus those that are simply different. For grandparents, acknowledging and respecting the parents’ role as primary caregivers can go a long way in fostering a harmonious relationship.

The Bigger Picture

At its core, this phenomenon highlights the challenge of balancing personal boundaries with familial connection. While protecting a child’s well-being is paramount, maintaining relationships across generations can provide invaluable emotional and cultural benefits. By striving for mutual understanding, families can navigate this delicate balance and ensure that boundaries enhance rather than hinder connections. We as therapists, can help our clients with these issues. We need to be the rational voice about what is good boundary setting and what is actually controlling behavior or a punishment.

This is a conversation that touches on deeper questions of love, respect, values and how we define family—and one that will likely continue as our clients’ understanding of boundaries evolves.

Wendy. Periodically. Letting Go.

My mother-in-law once called me a ‘bulldog.” I thought it was a complement, but as it turns out it wasn’t..totally. I had A LOT of trouble letting things go when I perceived something to be unfair or when I (or someone I loved) was taken advantage of. I understand rationally why others take advantage of other people, but my heart is very confused by that. Do you perseverate? I did and still do sometimes. Particularly if there is no good solution or any solution. Then I learned the practice of letting go.

We could all benefit from the skill of letting go. Letting go profoundly changes your headspace. It is a verb and it is a practice. And it is a peace-giving. I have to remember to employ it when big issues come up in my life.

Try this: clench your fists as tight as you can and hold it for 5 seconds. Then let go. What feels better? Letting go does. Each time we let go, we give ourselves permission to move on. Anger signals that something is wrong and we need to address it. Then we need our skills of critical thinking to work out how we are going to handle the situation. No more need for anger. Yet how many of your and your clients hold on?? Anger clouds our ability to think clearly. We don’t have to chase it if we don’t want to.

I have to give many things to the universe. I open my palm and ask the universe to hold it instead of me holding it. Most times I have to pair the act of letting go with act of compassion - as usually they go hand in hand. Today I was taken advantage of, not in a life altering way, but in a shitty way. Now, I can make myself sick over it, or I can take control back, welcome in compassion and let go of my anger. The outcomes are not going to change, and I will feel better. And that is all of the outcome I now need.

Wendy. Periodically. Setting Intentions for Social Media Use.

We pretty much know that social media can have detrimental effects on mental health due to its tendency to create unrealistic expectations. Users often curate their online presence to showcase only the best aspects of their lives, leading to a distorted view of reality. This constant exposure to idealized versions of others can foster feelings of inadequacy, envy, and low self-esteem among individuals who compare themselves unfavorably to these unrealistic standards.

Ironically, here you are and here I am. Although, Linkedin is the Lawrence Welk of Social Media (if you are old, you will get this joke). We also know that social media platforms are designed to be addictive, encouraging prolonged engagement that can disrupt daily life and mental well-being. The endless scrolling and notifications can lead to heightened anxiety and stress, as users feel compelled to stay connected and updated. This compulsive behavior can also result in sleep disturbances and reduced productivity, further exacerbating mental health issues.

How do we help ourselves AND our clients? Any time we want to try something new, we must set realistic goals and ask ourselves some tough questions. We cannot begin unless we set an intention. What do you intend to do differently in order to succeed? The following questions are helpful, and come from solution-focused therapy. You can apply these questions to other behavior changes as well:

What are the challenges I am going to face? How can I overcome those barriers? Do I really want to change my behavior?! What is the cost if I do not? What small step can I achieve just for today? Who can be my accountability partner? Do I know someone else who is also making this change and succeeding? Is there a part of me that will sabotage my goal? If so, how can I understand that part better? What do I value? What matters to me?

Remember that when you are making changes, it is important to do it slowly. Good luck with your intentions this year! :) Reach out if you need some help! Peace, Wendy

Wendy. Periodically. On The Scourage of Confirmation Bias.

Confirmation Bias is a cognitive tendency where individuals favor information that aligns with their pre-existing beliefs, while disregarding or undervaluing evidence that contradicts those beliefs. This psychological phenomenon has a powerful influence on how people interpret news, interact with others, and form opinions. In a highly polarized society like the United States, confirmation bias is particularly destructive to efforts aimed at uniting the nation.

At its core, confirmation bias prevents individuals from engaging with diverse perspectives. When people selectively seek out information that supports their views, they create echo chambers that reinforce their existing beliefs. These self-reinforcing bubbles make it difficult for individuals to empathize with or understand opposing viewpoints, leading to increased political and social division. Instead of finding common ground, people become more entrenched in their positions, often viewing those with differing opinions as not just wrong, but as threats to their worldview.

The rise of social media and algorithm-driven content exacerbates this effect. Platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube are designed to show users content that is likely to engage them, which often means promoting material that confirms their biases. This constant exposure to like-minded perspectives can radicalize individuals and deepen divisions, creating a "us vs. them" mentality rather than fostering dialogue and collaboration.

The destructive impact of confirmation bias on national unity is clear. It inhibits constructive conversations, undermines trust between different political or social groups, and makes collective action more difficult. When Americans only hear what they want to hear, it becomes harder to address the nation's pressing issues—such as economic inequality, healthcare, or climate change—because citizens struggle to agree on basic facts and solutions.

Overcoming confirmation bias requires intentional effort. People must seek out diverse viewpoints, challenge their own assumptions, and engage in genuine, respectful dialogue. Media literacy, critical thinking, and fostering environments where people from different backgrounds can communicate openly are essential steps in bridging the gaps created by confirmation bias. Only by confronting our biases can we hope to rebuild trust and understanding, and ultimately, bring Americans closer together.

Wendy. Periodically. Difficult Topics.

Thanksgiving is coming up and members of your family voted for the other candidate for president. Oy! How do you navigate the table? Do you go? Do you not invite certain relatives? Do you set boundaries for discussion? Have you “cancelled” your family member because of their vote and won’t talk to them?

I am going to push you to not “cancel” anyone, unless they won’t hold reasonable boundaries. You can relate in other ways to your friends and relatives that focus on other things than the election. In this polarized time, we need to exude compassion, extend olive branches and reclaim nuance. Perfectly lovely people have voted for the opposite candidate. If we are going to move forward away from these stupidly either/or times, we must embrace the complexity of humans. You are not your vote and neither is your friend or family. Find where you intersect and connect. Agree to disagree, stay away from arguments and honestly find each others humanity. If someone won’t engage in that kind of reaching out, either push them to do so, or walk away with compassion.

Wendy. Periodically. Don’t Panic.

Last post was on not consuming the news more than 20 minutes a day. That is step one toward better mental health. Today is about not panicking and running for the hills, or your gun, or Europe. If your candidate doesn’t win, that doesn’t mean that society is actually going to crumble. You are still here, aren’t you? You have been surviving despite who is running the government. You might not be happy about what is going on nationally, but how are you doing in your community? In fact, what can you be doing for your community? That has more of a impact on your daily living, doesn’t it? So no need to panic. Yet. Practice optimism and look for what is going well. That is catchy and a better mental state.

Wendy. Periodically.

Election fatigue. I know for a fact that if you are reading this, you cannot wait for all the election to be over. Even if all your candidates didn’t win. We all know that the whole of the election system in our country is toxic to our psyche’s but there is no change coming soon. Fear sells. And we buy it. Some of you buy it for hours everyday, willingly addicted to the fear.

What can you do about this? Watch less news. Please! Consume your news in different ways for no more than a hour a week. Engage in activities that fill you up. You will have the information you need to know about the world and your community. I challenge you, “What do you really need to know that you don’t already know?”

Those of us who study the mind understand that the more you are subjected to rhetoric over and over again, the more you believe it. The more you see images over and over again, the more your brain is affected in good and bad ways for your mental health. You do not have to live in fear. It is a choice.

Wouldn’t it be better to focus on what is going well in our society? Yes. I believe if we spent our time differently, we would see change in the media and how it works and we would feel better. Seriously. If all hell breaks loose after this election, if your life is not in danger, carry on. Be a good person, get outside more, do for others, and engage in self care.

Wendy. Periodically.

It has been a year.

It has been a year of mourning.

I don’t let the sadness grip me like someone choking me my neck.

At least, not every moment.

I am moving forward. Time and conviction will not stop.

The only way out is to love, love, love each other.

And remembering, if we try hard enough, that we can live together.

Imperfectly, but we can. ~ Wendy

#Peace #Mental health #Counselors

Let’s Learn About Transgender Clients and Mental Health.

I have a specialty in working with transgender clients. It is such a hot political topic right now! No matter the political identification, people are genuinely concerned about two things: acceptance of this population (no matter what age) and children being “converted.” As a specialist, I can sympathize and even agree with both sides of the worry.

Let’s understand something first. Being transgender is a real medical genetic reality. Humans are not exactly alike, and there are all kids of anomalies as we grow in the womb. Mix-up’s can happen. This is one of them. You get the brain of a particular gender and the body of the other. This causes real suffering…as you can imagine. People want to be loved and accepted. This is why it takes people years before they come-out as transgender. It is scary as hell and takes real bravery to transition. When therapists help people transition we do a thorough reconstructing of their lived experience showing that this condition has been present all along. We do a deep dive into childhood, teenage-hood, and the dysphoria experienced along the way. We don’t write letters until everyone is sure that this condition is present and the client can handle the transition in a healthy way.

It is true that some kids who identify as transgender are looking for positive attention. In some schools being trans is cool. And kids really don’t care about the issue as much as adults do. I think that acceptance is great. To that I say, let them explore. It won’t necessary stick. Kids change their minds and in time figure out who they are. It is a phase for those who are not really transgender. It is not a phase for those who really are. Before anyone can dole out hormones, we need to see that the condition has been present since childhood and persists over time.

I think it is really hard to figure out who we are, and now there are more choices! So how do we support those who might be experimenting? We slow the role on hormones and help them understand themselves better. For those that are transgender, we ought to be able to work with the parents and doctors and make the best decisions for that child or teenager, not have politicians tell us what we can and can’t to do with our bodies. It is a real medical condition. Just because it seems weird and new, and we are not used to this condition in people, shouldn’t make us jump in terror and be highly reactive. We, as therapists, need to be supportive and not reactive. We need to understand childhood exploration, development, and understand the culture of the time. We need to help others understand as well, and not be so frightened. We need to advocate for the mental health of our clients and be gatekeepers.

Wendy. Periodically.

Every time that I look in the mirror/All these lines on my face getting clearer/The past is gone/It went by like dusk to dawn/Isn't that the way?/Everybody's got the dues in life to pay, yeah.. This Aerosmith song used to scare the shite out of me when I was little. It was eerie. I have come to love this song as an adult. It is wise, true, and actually beautiful. Dream On.

One of the things I try to help my clients with is the idea that all we have is now. We are not promised the future. What if we lived with death by our side each day? How would you live your life differently? What would you let go of? What would you embrace? If you looked back 10 years from your future you, would you worry more? Take less risks? More risks? Love more deeply? Let go of the little things that don’t really matter?

Us therapists are called to be wise in addition to all the other things we need to be! Where are you on accepting your death as a reality? What a question for a Friday?! #Mentalhealth

Wendy.Periodically.

Buddhist teachings are for everyone. Mental health professionals and lay people, read on. I cannot imagine practicing counseling without using the wisdom of Buddhist attitudes. In fact, I can’t imagine doing Life without using the wisdom. Today, I had a client who turned himself into knots because he he hadn’t heard back from a realistic job possibility. Each day he doesn’t get a phone call from the place, he explained to me, he gets more and more anxious. Why suffer so? Is the building on fire? If it is metaphorically not, then what is he doing to himself?

The Buddhist teachings to help this client are the attitudes of patience, acceptance, as well as letting go. So, my client was holding on very tightly to the idea that: A) He would get a call, B) He will get this job and C) That his anxiety would go away once he got the job. I taught him that he is in control of how he feels and reacts - that the locus is internal. Getting the job isn’t the answer, but learning to prevent and remediate unhelpful reactions are. He will have to adopt some new attitudes as he awaits. If he practices patience, acceptance of the outcome (no matter what), and the idea that the phone call might not happen, then can you imagine what a better state of mind he will hold? What can he do to practice these techniques? Meditation, guided imagery, intention setting, mindfulness, deep breathing, self care, etc. Changing mind set takes practice just like other changes we make. It is so worth it! I could go on and on, but I need to make dinner! Peace, Wendy

Wendy. Periodically.

Conspiracy theory people have been on my mind. Why? Do I even have to say why? If you live in this world, you probably know someone (or it’s you!) who believes in at least one conspiracy theory. I researched information on this topic yesterday and found the following information in a Psychology Today article as to what is behind our conspiracy behavior,

“Researchers reported in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science that the reasons for believing in conspiracy theories include the need for certainty, the need for control over one’s life, the need for a positive self-image as well as the desire to feel unique.”

Counseling someone who is a conspiracy theorist is tough - especially if they are coming to therapy for other reasons. Are we there to change their beliefs? I don’t know, I don’t think so, and I am not sure we can. I know I want to! One can argue quite well that the hole that conspiracy theorists go down does cause them stress, stress to others, possible harm to others, depression, and the spread of misinformation which is detrimental to our society. 

Intervening, I suppose, depends on what the belief is.  We do engage in changing belief systems for the purposes of goal attainment, changing distorted thinking, and for managing responses to provoking stimuli that causes our clients distress. We do this with the client’s consent for their stated goals. 

Teaching critical thinking skills, working on healthy responses to fear, learning to live with uncertainty, accepting what we control and don’t, and working on self image all seem possible for us to focus on while the client is in counseling. Maybe this will impact their fear-based beliefs??

Wendy. Periodically.

We are diving into the ever cheery topic of death. Don’t run away! This will be useful to you. We therapists love to talk about death with our clients. Seriously. We can’t get enough of it. Why? As Kahlil Gibran stated in The Prophet, “Life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.” You know what else is one? Anxiety and death. Death gets around. Shhh…don’t tell Life.

When we are anxious we are diving into a primal fear of loss of control and the fear of not existing. When a stimulus triggers us, a part of us shows up to warn us that something is off and might be threatening us, to the point of death. We don’t need anxiety in everyday life, yet many carry it around like a cup of coffee (P.S. don’t drink caffeine if you have an anxiety disorder). We therapists have to help our clients understand the difference between life threatening situations and everyday situations. We need to help you learn how to take a breath a calm yourself down while digging into existential issues and possible past traumas. When we do what we do best, and you do the mental work, we can help you live life more fully rather than fearing death and loss of control on the daily. For further discussion on this topic, please contact me.

The “Both/And” Philosophy

I hear so many people use the language of “either/or” when actually it is “both/and.” I will give you an example. Someone might say to me, “ My wife loves either loves me, or she is angry with me and can’t stand me.” This kind of thinking (and self talk) sets us up as to how we conceptualize a situation and has consequences for us. You can be both loved and the object of anger. We are more complex than duality. For example, we can experience many emotions all at once. Right now I have a friend dying. I am extremely sad, grieving, existential, and relieved that she is not going to linger. I am holding all of that. As therapists, we help others to see the possible, to understand the power of self talk on our mental health, and to build insight. This “both/and” is really, really important and needs to be taught when we hear it in the language of our clients.

Wendy. Periodically.

If you found this, hurrah! Welcome to you, as I am figuring this whole blog thing out. My plan is to write when I feel inspired. My goal is to help all of us think a little more deeply, perhaps, using a new lens. Or not. Maybe I just want to send compassionate thoughts out there, for I want to live in a world where we figure out how to untangle our tangled brains, let go of our egos more often than not, and bring more love and light to this complicated and wonderful existence. And, if you are here as a therapist, maybe, just maybe, you will learn something new from me. xoxo Wendy